CONVERSATION IN HELL (Because its still Easter)

If you were here on Christmas Eve, perhaps you remember the conversation we heard between Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness—Satan, the Devil, the Evil One and his assistant, Wormwood. Today, they return. So imagine, if you will, a conversation, about this time of day, on the very first Easter. A conversation in hell.

Sir, I have that preliminary damage report, the one you asked for on this morning’s incident.

Wormwood, I am the Prince of Darkness, the master of lies, the Sultan of Spin, the pioneer of propaganda. Don’t try to slip one by me! “This morning’s incident?” Don’t you mean “This morning’s catastrophe?” The major screw-up!!!”

Yes, sir. It appears that way. Significant damage was done. According to witnesses, everything seemed perfect, going just as expected. They all confirm he was dead—completely and totally dead. No deep coma, no faking it. Not the Trojan Horse strategy I originally suspected. Dead—definitely dead. We had him. Jesus, the Messiah, the eternal Word of God, Christ, dead and in our custody, just where we wanted him.

Of course, he was dead, really dead. No sleeper cell. No playing opossum. The Romans don’t make mistakes with their crucifixions. Crosses are very efficient—what a marvelous invention. But then what?

According to reports, just around sunrise, unexpectedly, inexplicably, everything began to shake and rumble, and suddenly he’s alive. Not just alive, but powerful, incredibly powerful. He blew the gates of hell right open, sir. You know, the sturdiest, most indestructible gates ever—just blown apart. The only possible explanation is that God did this.

Of course, God did this. Who else could? Who else can raise the dead? Who else could shatter our mighty gates? But don’t be too alarmed. I have a plan.

What is it, your Wretchedness? I don’t see how it could be any worse. How can we pull through this disaster?

Let’s not make it about whether he was really dead or not. Let’s make it about whether he is really alive. Put the ball in their court. Let them convince people he really rose. Just go into “plausible deniability mode.” Play the logic card. Pump up the skepticism. Alive? Really? Who will believe it? The body was stolen—by grave robbers, by overzealous followers. Who is proclaiming he’s alive? Hysterical women. Mangy, untaught fishermen. People won’t believe them.Yes, sir. We’re already putting counter-information out. The guards at the tomb have been bribed. But sir, we still have the issue of the gates of hell. They were blown open and are beyond repair. When Jesus walked out of here this morning, he took millions, perhaps billions of people with him. It was quite the jailbreak. All those people experiencing freedom and new life—incredible!! When word spreads that the gates of hell are open, won’t everyone leave?I’m not too worried actually. Those gates were more for show anyway, to frighten people. What you need to understand about human beings is that they are very impressed with themselves. They are quite proud of their ability to make their own decisions, to think through their choices, their “freedom”—they call it. Most of the folk that are here with us are so impressed by their ability to choose, they’ll stay right here, even if it is hell, because that is what they choose, and nobody better question their decision. The gates may be open, but most people won’t leave. Even though they hate it here, there are some you couldn’t drag out of here.

Really, sir? You think some will stay here voluntarily?

Of course! I’m sure of it. Honestly, even with the gates in a shambles, I expect we’ll still get pretty brisk traffic into the place, newcomers, people wandering in of their own accord. They just like thinking they’ve made up their own minds. This morning’s disaster won’t change them. I’m more concerned that one day Jesus might return to round up the stragglers and stubborn ones.

But sir, with Jesus alive, with many of the former residents now gone, with the gates of hell in smithereens, well, with all due respect sir, doesn’t this mean it’s over. We’re done for—doomed?

Wormwood, I am the Prince of Darkness. No one on earth is my equal. I can twist peoples’ minds. I can confuse them, bamboozle them, make them think what they’re doing is good. I can wrap them around my little finger. Still all my power pales in comparison to God Almighty. Always has. Always will. God versus me, good versus evil—no contest, really! I’m totally overmatched. That’s the way it’s always been.

Boy, your Wretchedness, I’ve never heard you be so blunt, so down. The past few days have been quite the roller coaster ride.

You’re right about that. When I think back to Friday, seeing Jesus hanging up there on the cross, I was giddy, on an incredible high, what a glimmer of hope. But l guess it just goes to show that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Sure, this morning’s resurrection is a disaster. But I was painted into a corner before and now I am again. Honestly, looking back over the last few thousand years, I think I’ve done amazingly well, exceeded everyone’s expectations. Somehow God has never wanted to take me on directly, or never wanted to resort to my tactics. I guess that’s what makes him God.

Well with you getting all nostalgic on me, I guess that means it’s over for us. Right, sir? We’re packing it in?

What? How can I hope to accomplish anything with help like you? What do you think? We’re going to retire and move south? What kind of fool are you? I have just begun to fight! I can still take lots down with me. Have you seen a wounded animal, a mortally wounded animal, Wormwood? Didn’t your mother ever warn you to watch out for a hurt and dying beast?

Well, sir. You forget, I didn’t have a mother.

Whatever. A hurt and dying beast is dangerous and unpredictable, desperate and crazed. That’s us. We’ve got lots of time before the story spreads from Jerusalem. We’ve still got lots of power and tricks at our disposal. We can do a lot of damage—so much damage people will doubt the resurrection ever happened. We may lose in the end, Wormwood, but we can make it long and bloody in the meantime.

Yes, your Wretchedness. Yes, indeed. But some people will know Jesus rose and I suspect news of the resurrection will spread.

But just think how much fun we can have with those who know Jesus is alive. We can divide them, corrupt them, distract them, cause them to lose their focus. Pointing out the hypocrisy and failings of Jesus’ followers—it is a definite growth industry.

Now you’re sounding like the Lucifer of old. I’m getting fired up, boss. Excited, hopeful.

And you, who are so concerned that our gates are destroyed, don’t forget that the beams of my empire pass through every palace on earth. The huge timbers of my empire are built right into the main street of every town and village. My cold grip is on so many hearts and minds, businesses, institutions and rulers. I may be going down, Wormwood, but not without pulling down a lot with me. And when the mighty beams of my empire finally do fall, they will crush millions. The ruins and wreckage of my empire will be dangerous for centuries still. Just watch and learn, Wormwood. Watch and learn!

Yes, sir. I will, sir. But still, there are some who do believe Jesus is alive. Your cold grip doesn’t control everyone and everything. Some people are truly filled with new life. There are people out there who genuinely know Jesus rose. There are people who believe love and forgiveness are the most powerful forces in the world. Who knows what they might do to us? Why isn’t it true that just one little word can fell you?—the simple name “Jesus” stops you in your tracks?

Wormwood— Don’t you ever have good news? What are you a bearer of doom and gloom?

Sir, that is exactly what I am—a bearer of doom and gloom. I don’t have much experience with Good News. But back to the gist of my original report, it is true: Christ is risen.

Shhhhh! Don’t say it so loud! Don’t you think I know that Christ is risen, indeed?

Author, Steve Mathonnet-Vande, Originally published in the Church Herald for Easter 2009, Published with permission.


Maybe this is the second coming of C.S Lewis and the Screwtape Letters. In any case I applaud his creativity.